Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Priceless Relationship Advice

As usual, I can't stay at home. So I spent the weekend in Myrtle Beach. During the road trip, a topic came up, that became a theme for the entire weekend! I gave advice on what it takes to keep your mate happy in your relationship. Since there was someone there who's relationship just took a huge downturn, the message had even more value. Everyone appreciated the knowledge so much, I will share it with my blog family.

Firstly, we all know the 4 things that men want. I never could finish the list that women want. But that's besides the issue. To have a long, healthy, & happy relationship, the fundamental basis must be met. The man needs to be THE MAN in the relationshp. And the woman needs to know that she appreciated & needed.

I don't write real long blogs, so I'm going to get right to the point. The Man is supposed to be the Head of the House, the provider, keep everyone safe & secure. It doesn't matter if the woman makes twice as much, big & strong enough to kick everyone's behind, or the one who manages the family's financial affairs. He needs to know that the woman needs him. Whether the needs is emotional, financial, intimate, security... he just needs to know that he is needed. If feels that he is not needed, then he will not feel valued in the relationshp.

Generally speaking, men don't have have a problem when they meet a strong, independat Black woman. They have a problem when she preaches that she doesn't need a man, and thus not need him. He doesn't have a problem with her being financially sound, and have twice as many degrees. There is a problem when his decision is not respected.

But relationships are a two-way street. The man needs to realize that his woman works real hard to make the relationship work. So he needs to show appreciation, and provide her what is that she's looking for. To find out what that is, you'll have to, uh hum..., talk to her, ask her. Find out her Love Language. If it's Words of Affirmation, flower her with loving words. If it's Receiving Gifts, surprise her often. If it's Quality Time, make sure you schedule your day appropriately. If it's Acts of Service, you can't afford to be lazy. If it's Physical Touch, be willing to snuggle & hug often. If you don't show your appreciation, and you don't give fulfill her need as listed above, then she will have a problem staying in the relationship.

I know this is not everything, but it is a basis for a successful relationship. Let the man be the man, and he will be the man. His needs are easily met. If he always has to buy dinner, can't enjoy his sports or whatever his passion is, not allowed time away from you (without an argument), not allowed to relax in peace, he will have a problem. But that's another blog topic.

If the man is not responsible, not appreciative, not giving, not protetive, then she is not going to feel valued in the relationship. Buy some flowers, buy some gifts, snuggle a bit, cut the grass, wash the car, fix some things, defend her honor, earn her respect.

A surprising topic was based on the scene in Crash when the husband did the logical thing to not intervene when his wife was being sexually mollested by the police officer. If he did react, he would've gotten beat down, at least 10 years in prison, and possibly killed. But he lost her respect because he didn't at least try. It was just a movie. But, generally speaking, men would rather die with honor, than live without respect. In the movie, he decided to live without respect, and that marked the end of their marriage. Surprisingly, most of the women on the trip said that they would want their man to do something, to try to defend them, even in a situatiion where he would put his life & family in danger. What a dilemma for a man! To risk his freedom or life to try to stop his woman from being disrespected, or stay alive and free and risk losing your woman's respect and lose the right to call yourself the Man in the relationship.


At 1:32 PM, Anonymous call2arms said...

Great advice. Beautiful thoughts.

As for Crash my guy and I had that discussion while in the movie. I would not want him to get involved. I was upset at the wife. She was disrespecting her husband by getting involved and her mouth made it escalate. Didn't that molestation occur after she said "you thought I was a white woman?" I think her behavior was an attempt to force her husband to do what she already knew he wouldn't.

I was upset with the cop but it was clear he would have just harassed, possibly arrested and maybe beat down her husband had she kept quiet.

My favorite saying to men "a woman (interchangeable with B***h) will get you killed. A b***ch can be a man. If a woman knows her man, or any man (who she loves) would die to defend her, she will avoid creating situations in which he might feel a need to defend her.

I don't want anyone (especially my loved one) ruining or ending their life on my behalf and certainly not if I've created the drama.

At 8:24 AM, Blogger Brotha Buck said...

Man, that was really good. You're on your way to a successful marriage. But, still, don't try to figure em out, their needs are like a screwball pitch, they'll keep you guessing. In the same situation as the officer, I think my natural reflexes would have been to do something, if not lurch at the officer, make a lot of noise or something.

At 8:49 AM, Blogger Clay said...

that's a lot of constucts and "musts" that one has to live by - especially for women

At 10:44 AM, Anonymous Fave said...

I'm willing to help you secure airtime on all the major networks, CNN, MSNBC and even BET...just so you can stand (virtually) in every living room in Black America and read this post!

At 12:12 PM, Blogger Jez Chill said...

C2A: I think logically, most would think that way. But realistically, if you talk to folks about their past, logic was thrown out the window.

BB: I'll remember that. I can see you now barking @ the cop, making him think you're crazy!

Clay: It's a lot both ways.

Fave: You just gave me an entreprenural idea! Streaming web broadcasts, for $1.00/minute. Hmmm

At 1:07 PM, Blogger NegroPino™ said...

I also had the same talk with my hubby at the time about that part in CRASH and he said he woulda did the same thing I was like WTF until he calmed me down to explain it.

MY sister is the same way with her man.she wants to tell him when to take a shower, pick out his clothes, tell him what he wants to eat(instead of asking) cuz she won't let him be a MAN.....

At 1:30 PM, Blogger i like liquor and tv said...

I'm sorry but if that CRASH scene happened in real life, I'm assuming that the Black guy (at least the ones I know, and no I do not know any thugs lol) would not have even thought about it. Someone would have been going to jail that night. I'm not sure I know too many that would have stood there and watched that.

Personally, wrong or not, I would have been insulted if my man did nothing while some white cop was molesting me. That's just me, and I'm not really a confrontational person.

But I wouldn't have been running my mouth like that chick was either, even though that's not an excuse for the molestation.

At 10:35 PM, Blogger chris said...

I would not want my husband to get involved. They were obviously dealing with a racist cop. I don't think I could have my husband beat up and locked up. I would be upset and hurt about what the cop did, but I would still respect my man. The man was hurting too.

At 6:56 PM, Blogger ManNMotion said...

First, on relationships some people don't seem ready to accept that they just aren't meant to be with each other.

Second, being a man is so core to who we are that it's in my name


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